Three Weeks
by gawilliams
Summary: Hodgins faces his three weeks with Billy.
1. Chapter 1

_Thank you for the great responses to the stories in this arc thus far, namely_ **Mother's Day**; **Hodgins'** **Mother's Day Blues**; _and_ **Booth and Hodgins' Father's Day**. _This is the final story in the arc and will be several chapters long. I hope you enjoy this one. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

"So are you ready for the big day?" Booth joked with Hodgins down in the Man Cave.

"Huh?" Hodgins wrenched his attention away from the mammoth plasma screen and focused on what Booth was asking. The man was a prince in Hodgins opinion sharing his man cave. His own man cave, while impressive, was not as geared up as this one. He'd brought up that fact with Angie right after Father's Day and she'd firmly said no to upgrading the _**Hodgins' Symbol of Manhood**_ as he liked to think of his own Man Cave. Angie called it _**That Ridiculous Testosterone Infused Room**_. He was getting the serious impression that Angie didn't quite understand the beauty of a Man Cave.

"The Big Day, Hodgins," Booth said again. "Billy is arriving day after tomorrow."

Hodgins groaned. "Don't remind me," he half glared. "Three weeks! I have to spend three weeks with that psycho, and the worst part is I have to suffer through it even though I was so _**Da Man**_ on Mother's Day! This sucks!"

"He behaved on Father's Day," Booth pointed out.

"Bullshit. He was racking up Brownie Points with Angie so he can really go to town on me this trip, and don't forget he snuck in that Tequila, too. He was just too afraid of being arrested for doing something illegal in front of you," Hodgins replied, utterly convinced of what he was spouting out. "Dude. I do not want anymore tattoos! I mean what's left? My back, my ass, and my dick! Add to that Angie _**swears**_ anymore tattoos and I have to have them removed. Despite appearances, Dude, I don't handle pain well."

"Oh, I already knew that one," Booth assured him. "Everyone knows that."

Hodgins looked horrified. "How?" he demanded.

"Jumping behind me and shrieking like a girl when Billy said he had something for you on Father's Day was a pretty good indicator of your wimp factor," Booth assured him.

"Protecting the jewels is not being a wimp," Hodgins defended himself.

"Just admit it, Hodgins," Booth told him. "You're scared shitless of your Father-in-Law. So man up and let nature take its course."

"Dude! Tattoos on one's dick is not letting nature take its course!" Hodgins practically shouted. "I just want that nut bar arrested once and for all! He's mutilated me twice so far!"

"Two measly tattoos," Booth dismissed the tirade.

"Measly?" Hodgins about sprayed his beer everywhere. He yanked off his shirt and displayed his upper arms. "Your Kanji tattoos are measly, G-Man! These things are huge! I practically have to beg Angie to let me be on top since she gets all weirded out with her Dad's face looking down at her when we get busy! I love being on top! Have you ever seen her face in the throes of passion?"

"Hodgins!" Booth glared. "The only woman I want to see in the throes of passion is Bones! Angela is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but I don't see her in that way." He paused. "Besides, Bones would kick my ass."

Hodgins eyes lit up with glee. "So the Big, Bad, Special Forces guy is afraid of his girlfriend, huh?" he goaded.

"I said no such thing," Booth protested, while inside knowing that if push came to shove with all her martial arts training she could handle herself pretty evenly against him in hand to hand. If it was real he could win, but it wouldn't be pretty on either side.

"You're just as whipped as I am, but at least I can admit it," Hodgins laughed.

"I-" he started with a raised voice, but someone interrupted him.

"Booth I need you," Bones hollered down into the Man Cave.

"Coming, Bones!" Booth shot out of the chair and headed upstairs glaring at Hodgins along the way.

"Oh, he's not whipped," Hodgins chuckled sarcastically. "And I'm the Easter Bunny!"

That night Hodgins was eating dinner with Angela and he tried one last desperate bid to get out of three weeks with Billy. Naturally, it didn't fly.

"I just got a call this afternoon and have to leave town for a while for an emergency conference," he told her.

Angela raised her brow. She knew something was up. "Just how long is this _**emergency**_ conference?" she asked.

"Oh, I should be back in about three and a half weeks," he told her.

Her other brow raised. "Just what is this conference about?"

"Proper identification of particulates in an investigation and they need the King of the Lab there to save the day, Baby," he told her, posing like he usually did when he mentioned King of the Lab. "Seems the guys running it are a bunch of losers who don't know squat. The conference is about to fall apart!"

"No," she told him simply.

"But Ange! This is important stuff!" he protested.

"And just where is this supposed conference?" she questioned.

"The Bahamas," Hodgins said the first place that came to mind.

"So this conference, which just so happens to occur during the _**entire**_ time my Dad is going to be here, and is on an _**island paradise**_, needs you and _**only**_ you to save it from being a colossal failure?" she asked sarcastically.

"Exactly!" Hodgins cringed when she put it that way. Of course he was lying his ass off, but he was a bit desperate. He had no illusions about three weeks with that psycho Billy.

"You will not be going to any conference in the Bahamas," Angela told him directly. "You will be here to spend time with my Dad. Got it?"

Hodgins nodded, his head hanging low. He was definitely going to be asking Booth for a gun again. He was going to be locked and loaded for when that nut Billy decided some more body art was in order.

"Now go change your son," she told him. "He's a bit stinky you know where and it's your turn."

"Yes, Dear," he said, taking their son from her. This just wasn't his day. First no reprieve from Billy and now dirty diapers.

_A/N: Well there's the set up. I hope you enjoyed it. There will be a few more chapters for this story. Gregg._


	2. Chapter 2

_I have finally gotten back to this one. I hope that this second chapter was worth the wait. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Hodgins was having a beer with Booth. He had been doing cartwheels earlier when Billy had called Angie to let her know he was delayed a day. Now he was trying to figure out how to survive the next three weeks. A one day reprieve, while great, was not enough. Booth was giving him shit over the reading material he had been perusing when he'd arrived.

"_The Joys of Celibacy_?" Booth questioned. "_The Celibate Life_? _Celibacy for Dummies_?"

"I figured I need to be prepared in case I piss Angie off during the next three weeks," Hodgins defended himself. "Now, I still want a gun. That nut job isn't going to mutilate me any more than he already has."

"Go buy one for yourself," Booth suggested, knowing that the regulatory regime in the wake of the _Heller_ decision was still being fought out so there was no way Hodgins would be buying a handgun in time for the visit of Billy.

"That's virtually impossible, as you know G-Man, and I want something official," Hodgins declared. "I do things for the Feds, so I should have a federal issue gun."

"Hire a body guard," Booth made another suggestion, enjoying the sight of Hodgins getting desperate.

"I tried," Hodgins admitted. "All the available ones think Billy's some sort of God so I know I'd be fucked for sure."

"Go on a trip," was Booth's next suggestion.

"Tried that excuse and Angie shot me down," Hodgins told him. "I told her that the King of the Lab needed to save a conference from going down the toilet."

"Where?"

"Three weeks in the Bahamas," Hodgins cringed.

"You should have told her Afghanistan," Booth told him. "Then she'd think you were serious."

"But then I'd actually have to go there!" Hodgins defended himself. "Angie would book the flight and check my passport personally! I want to avoid bodily mutilation, Dude, not take a trip to terror central!"

Booth finished his beer and stood up. "I'm heading home, Hodgins," he told his friend. "You'd better get yourself home and see if you can get lucky before you really do need your reading material."

Hodgins watched as Booth left and cursed him. Fat lot of good some male bonding did! Booth obviously didn't understand the seriousness of this situation. But the man did have a point. He better get on him while Angie was still willing to give him some. He had a feeling that sex was going to be a long lost activity for a while after that night. He tossed some money on the table and left.

The next morning Hodgins woke up to a painful headache. His eyes were still shut tight and he felt miserable. Fortunately Michael cooperated by sleeping soundly, and Angie had been extra frisky. Oh yeah, Baby. The King of the Lab was definitely King of the Bedroom, too! When he felt like he could do so and not become nauseous, he opened his eyes and then let out a girly scream and jumped back across the bed. Billy was right there at the side of the bed looking at him!

"What the Hell are you doing here!" Hodgins demanded, though his voice sounded like more of a hungover, sleep induced, sex addled groan.

"I've got plans for you, Boy," Billy said, his evil grin in place, along with the ever present dark sun glasses. "I'll be in the kitchen with Angie. We leave in fifteen minutes."

Hodgins grabbed his cell phone and punched 2 on the speed dial.

"_You'd better be on your death bed, Hodgins, if you're calling me at 7:30 in the damn morning on a Sunday!_" a sleepy, and angry, Booth said when the phone on the other end picked up.

"Dude!" Hodgins pleaded. "You need to get your ass over here! That psycho was sitting next to the bed waiting for me to wake up! He says he has _**plans**_ for me! I need this nut job arrested like _**right now**_!"

"_You're on your own, Hodgins_," Booth said firmly.

"At least come over and threaten him sniper style," Hodgins begged. "Bring me a gun and a fake permit! That whack job won't know the difference!"

"_No_," Booth sighed in frustration.

"When I come back with my dick tattooed I'm blaming you and making sure you get the same treatment from Max!" Hodgins said darkly and ended the call.

Bones turned her head and looked at Booth. "What did Hodgins want?" she asked.

"Wants me to arrest Billy," Booth told her, settling back down in the bed and pulling her in close. "He thinks Billy is going to tattoo his dick."

"Angela would have him remove it," Bones said, laying her head on her favorite pillow, Booth's chest.

"Oh, yeah," Booth agreed. "He was reading up on how great celibacy is last night when I joined him for a beer."

"At least celibacy is something you don't need to worry about," Bones grinned, moving her hand down to cup him, enjoying the feel of his morning hard on.

"Thank God for that," Booth said as he leaned down for a kiss. "Now how about we get back to our favorite project?" he asked, wagging his brows.

Bones grasped him. "I think that is a very good idea," she told him as she meandered her way down to his hard length. "After all, we still have many months and years of being apart to make up for."

"Damn straight, Bones," Booth said as he felt her take him in her mouth. All thoughts of Hodgins left him right then.

Hodgins came out into the kitchen looking pale and miserable. He saw Billy sitting with Angie holding Michael. He grabbed a cup of coffee and kissed Angie as he took a seat.

"Dad wants to take you camping for a few nights," Angie said with a smile.

Hodgins just barely avoided spewing his coffee everywhere. "Camping?" he squeaked.

"Don't worry, Son, I have plenty of fire power in case we get some unwanted visitors," Billy drawled.

"Firepower?" Hodgins almost threw up.

"And plenty of liquid refreshment," Billy continued.

"Tequila?" Hodgins asked, scared shitless of the answer.

"Is there anything better?" Billy asked rhetorically. He handed over Michael to Angie. "Here you go, Baby Girl. This little guy sure is a gift." He looked over at Hodgins. "Come on, Son, the motor home is all packed and ready. Angie even packed your necessities."

"Be right there," Hodgins said as Billy left the room. He turned to Angie. "You're helping that psychotic sadist? What the Hell?"

"He promised no more tattoos, Hodgie," Angela told him.

"And you believed him?" Hodgins asked incredulously. "Are you stoned or something?"

"Daddy is an expert woodsman," Angela told him. "He's also a man of his word. If he said no tattoos, then you won't have anymore new body art."

"That still leaves a lot of room for sadistic creativity, Ange," Hodgins told her. "I bet he won't even let me have any of the firepower so the wolves have a feast!"

"Get going, Hodgie," Angela ordered him. "If you behave and try to get along I will let you live out one sexual fantasy. No restrictions."

"Deal!" Hodgins said as he kissed his wife goodbye. At least he could spend the camping trip thinking about some hot fantasies to try out. "But can I have him arrested if I get injured, though?"

"Go!" Angela shoved him out of the kitchen. She looked down at her son. "I love your daddy to death, but he needs to really man up when it comes to Grandpa Billy."

_A/N: So now we have the start of the three weeks. Camping. I can only imagine how Hodgins is going to feel a few days from now. LOL. I hope you enjoyed this one. I hope to have another chapter soon. Gregg._


	3. Chapter 3

_Here's another chapter to this one. Sorry it's been so long on the update, but I've been working on a number of stories and this one sat for a while. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Hodgins peered around the corner of the tree he was behind and checked to see if that nut Billy was anywhere to be seen. Not seeing anyone he whipped out his cell phone and punched in a number. Praying that the signal would get through, he held his breath.

"_Booth_!" came the strident, and somewhat miffed voice of Seeley Booth.

"Dude!" Hodgins stage whispered. "Get your ass in the SUV, turn on the GPS, crank on the siren and get up here! I am in real trouble!"

"_Has he tattooed your dick_?"

"Hell no!" Hodgins said instantly. "It's worse! This sick psycho has two Eastern Diamondback rattlesnakes in the damn RV! He has those things in a tank next to the bed he has me in! Now get your Federal ass in gear and arrest this nutbar! He's trying to get me killed!"

"_Kids stuff, Hodgins_," Booth said firmly. "_Call me when he has something serious like a black mamba or a puff adder. I'm sure he has some anti-venom in case your two new friends want to get up close and personal_."

"_**Two new friends**_?" Hodgins shrieked as he held the phone from his ear not believing what he'd just heard. "Are you _**stoned**_? What's it going to take for you to do your damn job? I'm filing an official request here, Dude. I want this sick fucker arrested! I don't care if Ange makes sure I'm celibate the rest of my life!"

Booth leaned back against the head board of his and Bones' bed. Bones had just entered the bedroom totally naked and was in the process of giving him a rather enticing show. Max had their daughter for the weekend and he was making the most of it with Bones. But instead of being able to bound off the bed and have hot and heavy wild monkey sex with Bones he was stuck on the phone with that pansy Hodgins. _Rattlesnakes_. What a wimp!

"Well I don't have any desires to be celibate, Bug Man," Booth told him. "And this phone conversation is ruining my naked sweaty fun with Bones. Call me when you have a real problem."

Booth tossed the phone aside and leered at Bones who was crawling on the bed towards him, her succulent breasts swaying nicely as she did so. Bones' attention was riveted to his hard on. Junior was standing proud and tall, ready for some more project time.

"What was this about rattlesnakes?" Bones asked as she grasped Booth's hard on and began stroking his length languidly.

"Billy has a couple of Eastern Diamondbacks in a tank next to the bed Hodgins gets in the RV," Booth explained, not really wanting to talk about it now that Bones was starting up the festivities again.

"I'm sure Billy has anti-venom available in case of an incident," Bones said as she gave Booth's erection a stronger stroke.

"Let's not talk about Hodgins and Billy," Booth suggested. "I'd much rather concentrate on our weekend alone together."

"I concur," Bones said as she got a wicked grin on her face and lowered her head.

Hodgins needed a plan. He was so damn paranoid about what Billy was really planning that he was running through all the possibilities in his mind. He considered taking a chance and trying to get one of those damn rattlers out of the tank and let it curl up in Billy's bedding to give the freak a little bedtime present. Another option was to sneak one of the guns Billy had shown him and have a little friendly _**chat**_ with the man about who was _**really**_ in charge. Then a thoroughly evil thought occurred to him. He was a scientist, after all, and Billy deserved a first hand demonstration as to why he was King of the Lab. Oh, yeah. Things were beginning to look up.

Angela decided that a little preventive medicine was in order if she wanted to keep Hodgie out of jail. Picking up her cell phone she dialed a number she rarely used.

"_Someone better be dying or close to it if you're interrupting my one day off of the week, Cherie_," the Louisiana accented voice of a certain federal prosecutor came through loud and clear.

Angela chuckled. No wonder the boys were scared out of their minds when they had to approach Caroline for anything. The woman had the scary Matriarch role down pat.

"Actually Caroline how would you like to make a deal?" she asked.

"_Did that Bug Man of yours kill that Music God Billy_?" Caroline asked instantly.

"Not that I'm aware of, but he is camping with my Father for the next few days and I decided a little preemptive arrangements were in order," Angela replied.

"_I would give my pension to be a fly on some tree watching Billy put that husband of yours through his paces_," Caroline laughed.

"Actually I'm pretty sure that when my husband returns he will be even more determined to have my Father arrested and will bug you about it until the end of time," Angela told her. "I don't want Hodgie in jail because he ticks you off, so how about a deal between the two of us so you won't have Hodgie arrested?"

"_What kind of deal, Cherie_?" Caroline asked curiously.

"Dinner and an evening with my Father?" Angela bargained.

"_An evening with that sexy man_?" Caroline sounded like she was on the verge of swooning. "_You've got yourself a deal, Cherie_."

"Really?" Angela said, surprised that it was that easy. "No puckish side demanding something from me?"

"_Now why would I demand a few moments of fun when I am going to have a whole evening of magic_?" Caroline said rhetorically. "_You just tell that Music God that his number one fan is waiting for her night to remember_."

Angela almost died laughing when the phone went dead. _**Night to remember**_? Oh, boy! She sure hoped her Father was in a good mood when he and Hodgie returned! The whole thing brought images into her mind that she most definitely did _**not**_ need. She recalled that Caroline wasn't married, so she had a feeling that Caroline was feeling a bit frisky at the notion of spending an evening with her favorite musician. Oh, well. At least Hodgie wouldn't wind up in jail for harassing a federal prosecutor. Smiling she turned to her son.

"Daddy is going to owe Mommy big time," she said as she picked Michael up and carried him into the bedroom to change him.

_A/N: Just a filler, but one that has some fun moments with it. I hope you enjoyed this one. Gregg._


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you for the responses to the last chapter. This story is a fun one for me, and I hope that it keeps everyone entertained for as long as it lasts. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Hodgins was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Across from him, laying on his side and groaning miserably, was that total nut job Billy. The man was in agony. Not just that, but the guy's pride refused to allow him to let Hodgins take him to a hospital and get some assistance. That just made it all the more glorious for Hodgins. That psycho had caused him all sorts of misery, and now it was his turn to meat out the punishment.

"You okay over there, Billy?" Hodgins asked, feigning concern.

"Just peachy," Billy growled and then winced painfully.

"Just checking," Hodgins told him. "You need to make sure and sue the shit out of the store that sold you the toilet paper. I checked and it was loaded with the oil form some poison oak. Some sick freak sure went to town on the supply."

"Oh, they'll get theirs," Billy ground out, gasping in agony as he shifted.

"I've got some Preparation H and also some Calamine lotion if you need any," Hodgins told him.

Billy nodded, not wanting to say a word. He had his suspicions, but no proof, so he was going to accept what The Thing was telling him. He managed to get his cell phone out and punched one on the speed dial.

"_Hey Dad!_" Angela said cheerfully.

"Never go camping with your husband," Billy groaned.

"_What are you talking about_?"

"I am in agony right now after using some laced TP," Billy admitted.

"**Laced**?" Angela asked. "_Laced with _**what**?"

"The Thing says the oil from Poison Oak," Billy moaned.

"_You mean_?"

"Yeah," Billy drawled. "My ass is on fire, Baby Girl."

"_Hodgie did that_?" came the cool reply.

"Not that I can prove," Billy admitted.

"_Is there anything I can do_?" Angela asked.

"No," Billy told her. "This is Man's stuff. I'll just have to live through it. The Boy's got balls, though."

"**NO** _more tattoos, Dad_," Angela told him with some serious venom in her voice.

"Alright," Billy moaned once more. "I better get off of her before he gets back."

"_I mean it, Dad_," Angela told him as she hung up.

Angela almost died laughing when she hung up the phone. Hodgie had actually grown a set and fought back. On the sly and not admitting it, but he had fired a shot of his own in the mini war with her Father. Picking up the phone she called Booth. He had to hear about this one.

"_Booth_."

"Hey, Studly," she said cheerfully. "Wanna hear the latest about Hodgie and my Dad?"

"_Oh, God_," Booth groaned. "_Is Hodgins going to call again begging me to come up and arrest or maim Billy_?"

"Oh, no," Angela assured him. "My Hodgie actually grew a set and laced Dad's toilet paper with the oils from some poison oak!"

"_Jesus!_" Booth said with a grimace in his voice. "_Do you Squints have _**any**_ shame? That almost makes those sick foot sadists I faced a long time ago look compassionate! Is Billy okay?_"

"Dad'll live," Angela assured him. "The only question is will he live through a night on the town with Caroline."

"_Caroline?_" Booth repeated, totally shocked. "_As in Caroline Julien the Federal Prosecutor who makes me want to hide the jewels when she's in a mood?_"

"I figured that Hodgie may come back from camping a little worked up and bug her to arrest Dad, and then get arrested for harassment, so I offered her a night out with Dad so I won't be bailing out my husband," she told him.

"_Uh, Angela, you do realize that Caroline is a major fan of your Dad, don't you?_" Booth asked, almost a little nervous.

"Yeah, and she said she will be waiting eagerly for her night to remember," Angela chuckled. "I just hope Dad's in a good mood."

"_Alright, I'm going to hang up now_," Booth said firmly. "_The words _**Caroline**_ and _**night to remember**_ in the same sentence are giving me images that I need to have scrubbed from my mind_."

Angela laughed. "Go see Bren," she suggested. "I'm sure she can think of a few ways to get the images wiped from your conscious mind."

"_Definitely_," Booth agreed. "_Oh, you may want to have a chat with your Dad and tell him not to put a rattler in Hodgins bed. I can only imagine the result of that little encounter_."

Angela's eyes widened. "Hodgie would really go to town on him with all his cruel science experiments," she gasped. "I'll call him right away. Bye!"

"More problems with Hodgins and Billy?" Bones asked as she came into the living room wearing a new set of lingerie for Booth's enjoyment.

Booth looked over at her and his tongue was almost to the floor. "Uh...yeah," he squeaked out. Junior was standing tall and proud inside of his boxers right them. "Hodgins laced Billy's toilet paper with the oils from some poison oak."

Bones straddled him, smiling. "I'm sure they will work out an amicable solution to their problems," she told Booth as she shifted her hips, increasing the friction for both of them.

"Damn straight," Booth said, taking her in his arms and pulling her down for a kiss. "Hodgins can fight his own battles. Now how about we see how long it takes to get you out of this lingerie?" he said with a leer and waggle of his brows suggestively.

"I am so glad my Father has Christine for the weekend," Bones said in a husky tone as she captured Booth's mouth for another searing kiss.

_A/N: I know, kind of a filler chapter, but I wanted something to break the constant cycle of Billy going to town on Hodgins. Maybe this will mean the start of a more level playing field and Billy learns he won't be having the upper hand all the time. I hope you enjoyed this one. Gregg._


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you for the response to the last chapter of this one. I am enjoying writing this one, though the chapters take longer to do than most stories I write. I hope you enjoy this latest installment. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Booth was just getting to sleep, next to Bones, of course, when his phone rang. Stifling a groan, he groped for his phone and answered it.

"Booth," he said, his voice sounding very groggy. No surprise there since it had been a five hour sex marathon with Bones that night once the baby had fallen asleep.

"_Dude, I need some help here_," Hodgins said, his voice hushed and frightened.

"What now," Booth sighed.

"_Is it illegal to let a couple of rattlers have no food for an extra few days_?" Hodgins asked. "_I got some revenge on the freak, but now he says I need to feed his pets! I like snakes, Man, but I don't want anything to do with the poisonous ones_!"

"Denying an animal food when it can be argued that it needs to be fed? That's a federal crime, since you're at a national park, as well as any state laws where you're at," Booth informed him. "Sorry Bug Man, but you're on rattle snake feeding duty for a while."

"_But I already checked and the Psycho has no anti-venom_!" Hodgins strangled out a response. "_And in his condition there's no one to rush me to the ER_!"

"Call Flynn," Booth suggested. "I'm sure he would love to come out there and help with your friends."

"_**Stop calling these killing machines my friends!**_" Hodgins hissed. "_I swear this is all a conspiracy! If you weren't so desperate to get laid all the time you would be up here doing your job and arresting this piece of work!_"

"Why the Hell does Billy have the things anyway?" Booth asked curiously. Not that he didn't have other more important things to take care of, but he was undeniably curious.

"_The nut job calls them his security system!_" Hodgins strangled out. "_That alone should prove my point that this guy is a total and complete psycho that needs to be locked up!_"

"Does he have any safety equipment for feeding them?" Booth asked his next question.

"_Hell no!_" Hodgins moaned. "_He says gloves, poles and other safety things are for pussies! I'm telling you this freak wants me dead! I'm no pussy, but I damn sure don't want to bare hand feed these bad boys!_"

"No, you just want some pussy again in this lifetime," Booth chuckled.

"_Me?_" Hodgins shrieked. "_You're the one who's screwing like there's no tomorrow!_"

"And I need to get back to it," Booth told him, noticing that Bones was waking up and looking at him with that look in her eyes that usually meant he was in for a thorough ravaging. "You'll figure something out, Hodgins."

Booth hung up and smiled at Bones who was now slithering towards him with a seductive look on her face. Oh yeah. Life was great and Hodgins could deal with his own problems. For now Booth had a mission to accomplish.

Hodgins was in shock. Booth, the man who stood for all that was right and good in the world, had just blown him off in his time of need solely in order to get laid. Again! He looked over at the caged nightmares and cringed. Fuck! It looked like he was going to have to bite the bullet and feed the damn things. He was so tempted to let one of them out and into Billy's bed. Then he'd see who was the pussy in this RV. He could see the freak squealing like a stuck pig when he discovered that little present. Sighing, he went and got two live mice and with ginger care he rapidly flipped open the lid and tossed them in and slammed the lid shut. The rattlers instantly struck, leaving Hodgins in no doubt that they had had it in for him if he'd given them half a chance. He was sure that his psychotic Father-in-Law had personally trained them to recognize one Jack Hodgins and get down to business.

He pulled out his phone again and dialed a number he dreaded, but this was getting serious. If this didn't work then he was going to break out the big guns and let Billy know that the King of the Lab wasn't going to put up with anymore bullshit. Poison Oak was baby shit by comparison.

"_This better be good, Bug Man_," the Louisiana accented voice he usually dreaded came over the phone.

"I want my Father-in-Law arrested," Hodgins said calmly. Then he, just as calmly, laid out his case, using the words freak, nut bar, and psycho rather liberally.

"_No_," Caroline said firmly.

"But-"

"_NO_," Caroline said in a tone that would brook no argument. "_Billy is a music legend. There is no way I will arrest the man before he goes on tour. I would be lynched, you would be, too, and I would miss out on my date with that stud muffin_."

"You won't arrest the man because you have a date with him?" Hodgins squealed. What the Hell was going on? Was his Father-in-Law that demented and desperate that he wanted to go out with the Prosecutor from Hell? He knew Billy was one sick puppy, but this was a whole new level. Yeah, he liked Caroline personally when she was tearing into someone else, but dating her? No way!

"_A night to remember_," Caroline practically swooned over the damn phone. "_And you better not mess that night up or you're skinny behind will be in jail for a nice long stay. Understand, Cher?_"

"Yeah," Hodgins moped.

The phone clicked and he knew she'd hung up on him.

"_Hey Hodgins! Got anymore of that calamine lotion?_" Billy's very much unwanted voice came filtering through into the RV.

"Be right out with it!" Hodgins hollered back. Then he decided to ramp up the cruel revenge a bit more. He quickly pulled out a couple of vials of some stuff he'd brought with him just in case there were any problems and mixed up a quick batch of a clear, odorless, and tasteless liquid. Grabbing a couple of beers he poured two glasses and then dumped the mixture into the glass he was going to give Billy. Getting the lotion, he took it and the glasses out to the suffering Rock Star.

"Thought you might like a beer," Hodgins said as he sat down. He rummaged in his bag for a minute and didn't notice Billy switching glasses. He turned back and took a long drink of his beer. He grinned as Billy did the same. Oh, yeah! The freak was really going to be miserable when a homemade batch of turbolax hit the old colon. That and the poison oak infested anal area and the guy would be begging for mercy!

_A/N: Well, now we see Hodgins growing a real set, despite his ongoing fears, but we also see this developing into a contest between the two of them to see who comes out on top. I hope you enjoyed this continuing chapter. Gregg._


End file.
